59 1/2

Halfway to my big 60 birthday. I can remember when I was 20 and I was sitting in a rusty old blue truck, cuddled up listening to a deep loving voice describe to me how our life would be at 60. The comfort, peace and assurity of that voice telling me of a love that would still be strong, a home where we could sit on porch and watch the grandkids play, happy and at peace knowing our kids were producing the love we saw in the grandkids eyes and knowing they were secure.

Last night I got to keep my greatgrandaughter to spend the night. It was such a special moment.

The next morning we were in the bathtub, getting ready for church. I was washing her hair and she lifted her face and stared at be with these hugh eyes and a dop of water was under her eye and the long lush lashes were wet, And in that face I saw the same eyes I saw those years ago that gave me comfort and love and a promise of a future.

A future that died at 25 way to young. A promise that died and somehow I have never found another promise.

But in each of their eyes I see their future and promise and I weep with love and graditude for them.

Getting OLD

Of all the things to do...I stared too long in the mirror tody. What was I thinking ? Thats the point I went braindead and began to stare at the woman looking at me. Where did I go? Its like that email that goes around about suddenly not knowing who that woman looking at you is.

I started with seeing the crepe skin on my arms as I was applying my lotion. First I thought I am just dehydrated. But I'd have to drink a stock tank of water to replenish that skin.
Then I looked, I mean really looked at my jowls. As I have lost some weight they really fall down without the fat to hold them up. Heck that's a good reason alone to stay fat. :)

My eyelids droop down over my eyelashes so that I feel a hair is in my eye lots of the time. Maybe people think its an involuntary tick to brush my eye so often.

The tan on my legs doesn't seem to be from the sun.

Oh the joys of getting old.
Instead why don't I see the wisdom in my eyes, strength of my heart, stubbornness of my will and overwhelming love in my eyes. Nope that would be to easy hopefully others will see that. Well I can hope can't I?

Time to be selfish???

When is the time in life to be selfish? Is there a time to think of yourself? I thought there was. Yes many a time I gave into my mom's need to dress me in what she made..how I wanted a dress I chose from a store. I wanted to learn to cook..but it aggravated my mom to have me underfoot in her kitchen or she complained of how I did it. So instead I found other things to keep me out of her way.
My friends spoke ill of a sweet brown eyed boy that took time each day to walk me home. He carried my books and we held hand and walked in silence. He came home on leave as a Marine and took me to a football game in Amarillo. We rode in silence holding hands and I received kisses to my forehead occasionally as the miles went by. How I thrived in the quietness with a warm hand holding mine.

When as a young wife and mother I looked forward to time out of the house on my husbands nights off, but he wanted to sit home and rest. How selfish I was to want to go out.

My kids as teenagers always going, doing, wanting, needing. I ate cinnamon toast once a day so they had lunch money. I wore pants with seams sewn in leg and rayon blouses so they could have Jordash and Calvin Klein jeans and rabbit coats. Yes I was selfish to what they wanted over me.
They are grown with kids and grand kids of their own. How many times my weekends were taken with grand kids and errands for them and how very much I miss it now. Stolen time that is now gone and cannot be redeemed. How special the sweet moments when Raina says I Love You or Salem ask are you ok? How selfish I long to be. Precious time squeezed in with daughters, wonderful fast snatched moments that linger in my heart and mind. Selfish moments stolen and frozen in time.
I remember been shooed away from my mom and grandmothers way as they worked and I want to pull my grand kids into my world for times to freeze smiles, tears and gentle words. Yes selfish I long to be.
Times to touch, caress and joyfully embrace. Times to be included and enjoyed not tolerated or simply be in presence of. To be apart to be selfish of every nano second. Remembering love in young fresh faced boys and rowdy men in my life to remember and thrive and be selfish again.

What makes something important?

Am I the lone person or do others seem to have that one person they want to be acknowledged by . I have a somewhat good life, and yet I still have that yearn in my heart like a child wanting her parents approval. While I wasn't very approval worthy as a child it seems, because I rarely got it, I still have that one person that I strive for an acknowledging word.
I am not sure if I will ever get it. Usually anything I say or do is met with a way I could have done it better.
Why do I keep beating my head against a stone wall wanting what it seems I will never achieve. That old saying "Sticks and stones may break my bones but words will never hurt me" These words are wrong for the words I hear and long to hear do definately hurt.

Not only a snob, but seems I amlazy too

I have been having trouble lately, as I am responding to the heat very poorly. I am not sure if it is:
1.a old house no insulation
2. something with window unit
3. old and hormones whacko

Actually it is probably a bit of the three. I go to sleep in morning before the sun comes to west of house where my bedroom is. I wake up in a sweat and what do I do? I lay there and complain in my head, gripe in my head, flop over and try to feel the rotating fan.

Now of course this doesn't work. And I will literally complain and gripe for a couple of hours before I go to town to a cool place. Lazy yep thats it, I could be cooler faster, but no I suffer and not in silence, Nobody like a person that complains all the time Now I think I need to hush and accomplish something to stay cooler and get over the lazy bit.

A Snob is born

To my utter amazement something happen tonight that totally shocked, startled and sickened me. I am just an ordinary country girl,never had much and chances are never will. When I have I give when I don't I sometimes even still give.
So when I walked in the laundamat tonight to do my laundry, I was accosted with these wierd feelings.
The laundramat was dirty, and I didn't want to touch the machines, nor did I wish to sit on the yucky metal benches to await my completion of laundry duties.
This was the first time I have had to go out to do my laundry since Leah and Scott were very little. If I remember correctly I never had these feeling then.
Was this snobbery. I looked around at the people their and found them similar to me. No one was dirty or homeless looking. Drug deals were not going down, prostitute's were not looking for a john. Instead just normal looking people like me.

I went home and continued to get ready for the evening. I was at my daughters home. She had just gotten married and I was at her home while she was on her honeymoon.
I ran my bath, gathered my clothes to prepare for work. Shivers went down my spine, there in the corner of the tub, almost to be touched by the water and drawn into my bathwater was a small chunk of black hair. My granddaughters most likely. It took all I had to get a tissue and grasp it and toss it away. For goodness sake I have washed that hair, brushed it even kissed it. I was appalled there again was the icy icky feeling I am a snob.
Ok I am a snob, I can change and find myself once again in the midst of normal loving people. Snobs beware.....Marcia beware....... I smile thank you God I am thankful I am a typical child of God and Snob or not I smile.

This room is so hot

My room is at the back of the house. This morning when I got here everything was cool and comfortable. I woke up at 6 my sheets wet and sweating like a pig. I guess as the hsun came down in the west it heated. I don't think there is much insulation in the walls.
Really rough as I am trying not to use the ac as much as possible.
A couple of hours left to cool off before work, maybe I should lay in cool water awhile?